Passionate Desire

2008 was a definite year of ups and downs for me…

• Hubby and I left the house to get Wendy’s one day and came home with a new car. 
• Boston was on the agenda in March for my sister’s baby shower. 
• I graduated from college in March and started looking for a job. 
• I then turned 30 in April. 
• Hubby deployed to Iraq for the 3rd time two days after my birthday. 
• Gas prices appeared to hit an all-time high, only to rise further… and I continued to search for work.
• My beautiful nephew was born in May a couple weeks after I flew to Florida to see my folks.  
• I made my first trip to Vegas (hated it) in June.  Still no job. 
• My Katana was traded in for a GSX-R the following week just before I went through an excruciating biopsy procedure (all was fine). 
• Hubby’s grandmother passed away after a long struggle with dementia.
• Half of Camp Pendleton caught on fire again and still no job as fall neared. 
• Hubby and I chatted frequently online and even got to see each other on webcam a few times.  
• A couple interviews here and there, yet still no job.
• My mom came to visit me over Halloween.
• Three weeks later, my husband returned… and the feeling of serenity he has always given me quickly returned.
• Gas prices plummeted… as the economy did even further… and still no job.
• Thanksgiving was the following week… spent with friends.  
• Our first vacation ever occured in the beginning of December… up to Big Bear we went!
• Christmas was around the corner… and looking pretty sad with the economy and still no job.
• My loving friend passed away December 23rd.
• A wonderful Christmas Eve was spent with our dearest friends.
• Christmas was full of love and joy with what we could share.
• Hubby flew home the following day.
• Our 6th anniversary passed.

And now, I sit here… 40 minutes away from 2009 and wonder just how much of this year was good and how much was bad.  It feels as though time escaped me and the year has come and gone.  My girlfriend’s funeral was today… I couldn’t be there… but, I sent a beautiful arrangement of gladiolas.  Looking ahead…

• I have a job interview on Monday… for a job I truly want and feel I can get.
• Hubby starts a new job in a couple of weeks… one that will not require him to deploy or go away for any periods of time.  For the first time in our marriage, we will be able to have a life together.
• I will be walking for Great Strides in the spring and raising awareness and funds to support Cystic Fibrosis.  I will walk in my friend’s name.  Hubby said he would even walk with me.
• My nephew will be baptised in the spring as well.  Hubby and I will make the trip to Boston and I will stand in the church to be my nephew’s Godmother.

I guess you could say the first half of the New Year is looking promising… it’s the letting go of this year that may take some time…

Wishing you all a very safe, wonderful, and Happy New Year… Welcome 2009!!!

This morning, heaven gained an angel…

My Dearest Jessica,

I will never forget the day we met.  California was my new home… I had no friends as of yet… and I was desperately trying to adjust to married life.  We were both in the laundry room… feeding quarters to our respective dryers.  You made a comment about overhearing my phone conversation regarding California drivers… and you made me laugh… that was the beginning of what would become the friendship of a lifetime.

I soon learned you were sick… Cystic Fibrosis you said… I knew nothing about it.  Over time, I would come to learn as much about it as I could… understanding what you had to go through… the medications you had to take… the short amount of time you would spend here on Earth. 

Two months after meeting, you took me out for my birthday.  Two months after that, you hugged me as my husband deployed for the very first time.  You gave me a teddy bear and told me it wasn’t as big as him, but they didn’t make them that big.  Again, you made me laugh… I still have that bear.

Over the next few years, I would care for you when you went through bad spells… become part of your family… spend days with you in the hospital… administer your home I.V. meds… lay with you when you couldn’t get out of bed… laugh with you when you needed to smile… go out with you when you wanted to paint the town a shade of any color… talk to you every moment of the day.  We became our own family.  The best of friends… with countless memories to call upon.

I sat with you when you found out you were pregnant… I guarded your belly in every crowd from then on… I slept in a chair in Critical Care when your lung collapsed… I rushed to the hospital straight off a plane when you had your son… I took you down to the NICU to see YOUR baby when the nurses refused to do so.

When you moved home, it broke my heart… when you didn’t say goodbye, it crushed me… when I never heard from you again, it devastated me.  Not a day has gone by that I have no thought of you and wondered how you’ve been.  Your mom has kept me updated… and part of me always hoped that one day, you would respond instead… you never did. 

Today, a friend told me that maybe you loved me too much to say goodbye… I can only hope that’s true.

A sign hangs on my wall… “Making a friend takes a moment, being a friend takes a lifetime.”

You gave me that sign…

I will always be your friend.  I miss you and love you dearly.  For the first time in your life, you are free to truly breathe… no pain… just breathe.

Goodbye my dear friend… you have made a home for yourself in my life and my heart… and I will miss you always.

Last night, I received some heart-wrenching news… a very dear friend of mine (readers from 3+ years ago will remember) is losing her battle with Cystic Fibrosis.  It appears her CO2 levels are astronomical while her O2 levels are dipping dangerously low.  Hospice is unsure of whether or not they will be able to provide the insanely high levels of oxygen she needs at this point.  It’s been a long fight… and one I know she is not ready to give up on just yet, however, her body no longer seems to be in agreement.  Her mom told me she is now afraid to go to sleep… afraid she will not wake up.  It breaks my heart… and I’ve cried to the point of no more tears… now I know I have to say goodbye to a loving friend who cut ties long ago.  I’ve asked her mom to please tell her I love her and miss her every day… but, knowing there is no longer any chance I will see my friend again is something I am having difficulty accepting.  Knowing her 4-year old son will never truly know what an amazing mother he has crushes me.  More than anything… knowing she is not yet at peace with herself and her disease hurts me to no end.

It’s never easy to watch someone you love struggle to live.  And it’s even harder to know the time has come.  I will miss her.

Since then, we have spent some much needed time together… it all began with our first ever vacation together… to Big Bear.  We spent 4 days and 3 nights at 7,000 feet enjoying the mountains, cold weather, and warm nights by the fire in a cabin with our dog.  It was a fantastic vacation… and a perfect way to begin the holiday season.  Below are some photos from Big Bear and the surrounding area. Read the rest of this entry »

To all who have served…

From the bottom of my heart…

I wish you a very blessed Veteran’s Day…

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard!!